Summer 2025. The summer my life fell apart. Or fell perfectly into place.
The past three years have been an absolute whirlwind. I quit my career, got married, became a nanny, started a Youtube channel, bought a house, made a home, raised ducks and chickens, thought about having kids, separated, moved out, turned 30 and started a new career. The list goes on.
I’ve been unsure, scared, anxious but also excited, full of faith and hopeful for the future. I’ve experienced loss and pain in a way I never thought possible. There were days where I didn’t want to live. The inner turmoil I experienced mixed with the shame of loss felt crippling. I became stuck and fearful, trapped in something that I didn’t know how to get out of. I believed that I had to accept the mess and stay because maybe no one else would want me. I was trapped in a cycle of trying to prove my worth but also unsure of what I really wanted. I believed that God was going to heal my marriage because I didn’t want to accept reality. At the end of all of this, I now inherently understand that you cannot force someone to change. And when someone walks away, you have to let them.
Although I’ve experienced deep pain, I wouldn’t change a thing. I think that’s saying a lot and it all points to God’s mercy and grace. I can truly say that my marriage experience was one of the worst experiences of my life but I wouldn’t change it because it brought me to God. Fully surrendered. I prayed and fasted for my marriage to be healed, but what I didn’t realize during that time was that God was refining me. He took my heart of stone and made it into a heart of flesh. I look back on my twenties and don’t even recognize that girl. Only God could’ve done that.
I almost didn’t move into my little cottage. I remember emailing the agent and asking about the process. He mentioned that I needed to act quickly since there were a lot of applicants. I panicked because I was “just” a nanny and didn’t make a lot of money. I decided to take a leap of faith and just apply. I wrote the managing company a letter and I got the house. I was in shock but also realized the power of one small act of faith. Looking back, I still can’t believe I moved out just like that. But I also realize how necessary it was. I hadn’t fully accepted the end of my marriage but knew that I needed to start making plans to move forward with my life.
Throughout this process, the most important thing I’ve learned was accepting reality no matter the cost. In many situations, we look at a fantasy version of something or try to romanticize a situation. We have a habit of believing “once I get this, all will be well”. Or we might spend our time living in the past of how things used to be and we don’t accept the current situation. I kept choosing to believe that who he was when we first met was who he really was deep down. In reality, the current version was the real version.
I remember the first night in my new home. I slept on an air mattress with boxes piled up all around me. The snores of my two dogs, Theo and Oscar, comforted me. I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. I knew I had done the right thing and I didn’t feel stuck anymore. I was excited and nervous for this new chapter but wondered if I could really do it. Over the course of my marriage, my confidence had tanked. I felt worn down, ugly and disoriented. Over the weeks that followed, those feelings started to lift as I began creating a new life for myself. Although it was the end of summer, I went to the garden center and picked out a bunch of flowers and pots for my porch. I bought a new bed and a beautiful comforter. I hung butterflies above my bed and decorated my office. I remember thinking about my office. I had taken down all my YouTube videos and thought I would never post again. I wondered what I would need an office for.
I never wanted to be divorced. I grew up in a pretty toxic household and knew I wanted something different. I’ve only ever been in serious relationships. I was never someone who dated casually and knew I wanted to get married and have kids one day. Looking back on my twenties, I definitely didn’t choose healthy partners and stayed in those relationships for far too long. I would see red flags, but ignore them because I so badly wanted that person to be the fantasy version I created when I first met them. I was someone who tried to earn love and focused a lot on doing more instead of just being. I didn’t know who I was and often struggled with insecurity. I regularly put myself in a box and wouldn’t allow myself to explore who I really was. I think we’ve all been there.
Although my marriage experience was painful, so much beauty entered my life through it. I became a nanny and was able to put a lot of time towards my creativity. I started gardening and raised chickens and ducks. We had just bought a house and I spent most of my time painting and decorating. I was so excited because I thought I would become a mom and raise kids in that house. As my path in life became more clear, his veered off down a road we did not agree on. I feel sad for that girl who held on for so long, blind to what was clearly in front of her.
Letting go of the home I’d made, the gardens I’d grown and the animals I loved was one of the hardest parts of the process. We get so tied to our things or the life we thought we would have. I remember sitting in the quiet of my garden one evening. I looked around at the beauty of it all and wept for a long time. The pain was so deep that I didn’t know how I would ever come out of it. It felt like a nightmare. I told myself that maybe I could make it work again, but then I quickly pushed the thought away and accepted it was over.
When we experience deep pain, we usually don’t know what to do with it. I believed that if I could just get my life together then it would all be okay. I wanted to skip over the suffering and move on to the good parts of life. I would get lost in social media or obsess over my workouts. I thought about all the things I could focus on instead of going through the pain. Finally, I realized that the only way out of the suffering was through it. We can’t skip over it or pretend it’s not there. Some people do this. Sadly, they spend their life living in avoidance, addicted to tv, social media and unhealthy habits. We cannot truly heal until we face the reality of what happened. I stopped trying to be perfect and gave myself space to grieve. I accepted where I went wrong and brought it all to God. I stopped trying to make sense of it all and let God do a work in my heart. I became quiet and more vulnerable. I remember many morning with coffee and my bible, crying in the silence. I also let people support me. My mom stayed with me for a month and, as someone who was hyper-independent, I never knew how much I needed people until that moment.
Throughout this period of my life, I have come to know God in a more intimate and deep way. During my marriage, I believed that if I just prayed enough, said the right things and did enough, everything would work itself out. I really believed that God would redeem my marriage. Although my marriage is still not healed, my faith is greater than ever. I’m not sure how this happened. I’m at peace with where God has taken me. I know he has a plan for my life and I also know that God has given us all free will. I’ve always struggled to share parts of my separation/divorce story because it felt like somehow that would mean I was okay with it. It’s hard moving through something you never wanted in the first place.
As time has passed, my heart has begun to heal. It’s a slow process and there’s still so many moments in which I weep deeply over the life I thought I would have. Every once in a while, I still believe there’s a chance that it could somehow work out or be different. But recently, those thoughts have lessened and instead a deep hope has emerged in my heart. A hope for the future, a desire to live beautifully and to create something wonderful out of the pain that almost destroyed me. I did not lose but instead gained a heart of flesh.
I hope these words bring you encouragement and add some peace to your life. No matter what we walk through, we have a Father in heaven who longs to comfort and be with us in our time of need. Sometimes it feels like we’ll be stuck forever or the pain will never go away. We fear we will never be healed or experience joy again. In those dark moments, we need only to turn to Him, the author and perfecter of our faith.
With love,
Addison
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. (1 Peter 1:6)
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)
Thanks for sharing! ❤️